Official Fanfiction University of Hogwarts
by Maharani Radha
Summary: Title says all. This is a spin-off of Miss Cam's OFUM. All credit for this idea goes to her. The OFUH is having a large case of Mary-Sues this year. Miss Radha and her deputy, Miss Butterfly, have to take drastic measures to protect the staff, the university, and the Harry Potter fandom.
1. Prologue

**A/N: This is a spin-off of Miss Cam's OFUM (Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth). All credit for this idea goes to Miss Cam, also, J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter. I will not claim to own the work of these two authors.**

* * *

Miss Radha sat in her desk rubbing her eyes, listening to the complaints of Draco Malfoy.

"And lastly, I think there should be _more _emphasis on how I do _not _date mudbloods!"

Miss Radha nodded her head, indicating that it was time for Draco to leave.

"Alright, Draco. I'll make sure that happens."

"And can you _please_…"

"_Alright_, Draco! I'll make sure that all of your demands are met. Now will you please leave? I need to make preparations for the next year."

With a huff, Draco stormed out of Miss Radha's office. Miss Radha sat back in her chair and stared at the looming pile of applications that sat in front of her. Here we go again.

"I take it Draco has a lot of demands this time?" Miss Butterfly, Miss Radha's second-in-command, asked, opening the door conjoining their two offices.

Miss Radha rolled her eyes. "How _ever _did you guess?"

"I'm magical."

"Now don't _you _start going all Mary-Sue on me. I can guarantee you, we have plenty of those coming in this year."

"Are any of them as bad as that character Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way?"

"Oh no, no. I don't think we have any _that _bad. I promised Draco that that wouldn't happen again. But we have some that are close to being as bad."

Miss Butterfly picked up one of the applications from the pile on Miss Radha's desk and began reading.

"Name: Eloise-Claire Moonshine Amethyst Greenstar Potter. Half mermaid-half witch. Lust object: Ron Weasley," Miss Butterfly looked up from the application before finishing it.

"Yeah, we're screwed," Miss Butterfly said.

"And that's not even the worst of them. Well, I'm hoping that the mini-dementors will be ready to kick some butt this year," Miss Radha said.

"I'll start devising new torture exercises," Miss Butterfly said, "And I may have to call up Miss Cam from OFUM to help us with this."

"I don't think we should bug her. She emailed me asking if we're getting a lot of Mary-Sues this year. She has to worry about protecting Legolas and Aragorn from that crap."

"Oh….right. Well I guess the mini-dementors will need extra training then."

"Yup, you're 100% correct."

"On it."

With that, Miss Butterfly left to go to the mini-dementor training room. Miss Radha stared at the large application pile and smirked.

Welcome, students, to the Official Fanfiction University of Hogwarts, where Sues come to die!

* * *

**A/N: So what do you think? Leave me a review for any suggestions that you might have at this point! I'll try to get the next chapter up soon!**


	2. It begins

**A/N: Hey there! Here's the next chapter. Enjoy :) **

* * *

Chapter 1

Jessica was having a bad day. Actually, let me rephrase that. Jess was having an interesting day. One minute she was writing fanfiction about how her character, Eloise-Claire Moonshine Amethyst Greenstar Potter, attracted Ron Weasley. The next minute, a letter appeared on her desk. The letter was written on old-fashioned parchment with a wax seal. The letter was addressed to her. There was no return address.

Reluctantly, Jess opened the letter and read it.

_Dear Ms. Jessica Walker,_

_Congratulations! You have unofficially been accepted to OFUH or the Official Fanfiction University of Hogwarts. I am Miss Radha, the assistant headmaster of OFUH. It is my displeasure to welcome you to the university._

Official Fanfiction University of Hogwarts? What on earth? Jess had not applied to a university. Why were they sending her letters? Jess continued reading to find out whom this lady was and why she was being so rude.

_The Official Fanfiction University of Hogwarts has but one mission: To rid the Harry Potter fandom of dreadful Mary-Sues. Each time an author writes an Original Character in the Harry Potter fandom, we automatically receive an application with the OC's name, appearance, and traits. Characters that are deemed Mary-Sues will receive admission into the university. Since you are receiving this letter, congratulations! Your OC has been deemed a Mary-Sue. _

What stuck Jess the most was "Mary-Sue." Jess assumed this lady was talking about Eloise-Claire Moonshine Amethyst Greenstar Potter. Jess's nostrils flared. Eloise-Claire was most definitely _not _a Mary-Sue and she could prove it!

_Of course, you could choose to ignore this letter and not enter the university. If you choose to do so, that is completely up to you. Just keep in mind that if you do not attend the university, you will never be able to write Harry Potter fanfiction again. Your stories will be automatically deleted if you try to publish them._

_However, if you choose to make a wise decision and attend the university, please fill out the form enclosed in the envelope. Once the form is filled out, you have twenty-four hours before you will be summoned to the university. If you fill out the form and change your mind, too bad. So choose wisely. _

_You need not worry about your home life. You will be returned to the exact place and time that you received this letter once you have completed your term at OFUH. _

_Good Luck Ms. Walker. You will need it_

_Disgusted,_

_Miss Radha_

Jess pulled out the form that Miss Radha had mentioned. It was a blank white form that looked much like a regular college application form.

**Name (And **_**not **_**your Mary-Sue's name, nice try): **

**Age:**

**Gender:**

**Circle one: Witch or Wizard**

**Harry Potter lust object:**

**Have you ever been flamed?**

**Have you ever been constructively reviewed? If so, did you take the author's advice, or tell them off?**

**Is your Mary-Sue a self insert (And **_**don't **_**lie because we will find out): **

Jess thought for a moment. She really wanted to continue writing Ron x OC stories and in order to do that she would have to enroll at this university. Reluctantly, Jess filled out the application:

**Name: **Jess Walker

**Age: **16

**Gender: **Female

**Circle one: **Witch

**Harry Potter lust object: **Ron Weasley

**Have you ever been flamed? **Unfortunately, yes.

**Have you ever been constructively reviewed? **Isn't this the same as flaming?

**If so, did you take the author's advice, or tell them off? **Told them off! They were mean!

**Is your Mary-Sue a self-insert (And **_**don't **_**lie because we will find out): **Yes…

As soon as Jess finished filling out the form, it disappeared. Now, there was no turning back. She was going to the Official Fanfiction University of Hogwarts. Maybe it wouldn't be all that bad. Who knows? Maybe she'll meet Ron Weasley.

* * *

**A/N: What did you think? Review! If you would like to enroll in the OFUH, you may do so! Just fill out the form listed in the above chapter and I will try to include your character. If you haven't written a Mary-Sue that's fine, you can still enroll. Just know that you will get no special treatment from the staff at OFUH! **


	3. The Hogwarts Express

**A/N: Hi everyone. Okay…I know it's been about a year since I've updated this, and well, my excuse is fairly small. Don't eat me! But now that school's over, I can write more! Yay! Just so you know, enrollment is now CLOSED! This chapter has some bad swearing at the end! O.O **

**Disclaimer: I forgot to put one last chapter sorry. Miss Cam owns OFU, and J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter. I will not claim to own the work of these two authors.**

* * *

When Jess woke up the next day, she screamed. A loud scream. A scream that may have woken up half the population of the world.

Looking around her, she was shocked to find herself aboard the Hogwarts Express. THE Hogwarts Express. And here she was, thinking that the letter she received yesterday had all been a bad dream!

"Geez! I guess someone's awake!" A small voice croaked from across from her. Jess finally calmed down enough to really take in her surroundings. Sitting across from her was another young woman with fiery red hair who was covering her ears with her hands.

"Sorry, I was just shocked is all. I didn't actually think that that letter I got yesterday was real…" Jess replied, still extremely confused.

"Yeah, looks like we're in the same boat," the girl said, lowering her hands, "I got here about an hour ago, and I've been sitting here ever since. This bloody train hasn't moved! I'm Tamora Weaver by the way, but you can call me Tammy. You?"

"Jessica Walker, but please call me Jess."

"Nice to meet you, Jess. You're from the United States then? There's no mistaking that accent."

"Hey! Don't make fun of my accent," Jess barked, not completely sure if she liked this girl.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to insult you. American accents are, well…distinctive."

"Well…so are Irish accents!" Jess exclaimed defensively.

"It's not Irish, it's Scottish."

"Oh."

A loud voice over the intercoms broke the semi-awkward silence between the two girls.

"_Good morning. It seems like we have everyone here, so we can finally begin our journey to the Official Fanfiction University of Hogwarts."_

As soon as the voice (it seemed to be a female voice, but Jess couldn't tell) said that, the train began rolling away from the station.

"_The staff will be coming around with food and drinks if you are hungry. The first round is free, but you will have to pay for anything else on top of that. Please refrain from setting chocolate frogs loose on the train. Any student caught misbehaving with any of the treats will be banned from eating them. Thank you."_

"That was…weird," Tamora said.

Jess said nothing until an old lady with a huge cart full of…stuff came rolling by their compartment.

"Anything off the trolley, dears?" the lady asked politely.

"Oh hell yes! I've been waiting to try a chocolate frog!" Tam said, jumping up and grabbing two chocolate frogs.

Jess, on the other hand, was still a bit weirded out by the entire situation. She decided to play it safe and went with a bag of Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans. Although, she wasn't sure how "safe" these were. She was starting to regret not getting a Pumpkin Pastie, but then the trolley lady ran off. Sighing, she tentatively picked up a yellow bean.

"_What the hell?" _she thought, "_It's most likely lemon or something." _She popped the bean into her mouth.

"SHIT!" Jess exclaimed spitting the bean out onto the floor.

"What'dya get?" Tammy asked, tearing the head off the chocolate frog.

"Earwax."

Both girls stared at each other for a few minutes before breaking out into laughter.

**xxxxxxxxOFUH OFUH OFUH****xxxxxxxx**

After what seemed like hours, the Hogwarts Express finally pulled into the station at Hogsmeade. Tammy and Jess looked at each other, eyes sparkling with excitement. They were actually here….like _here._ At Hogwarts. This. Was. Amazing!

Jess and Tammy all but sprinted out of the compartment, only to be met with a huge mass of screaming teenage girls desperately trying to get off the train. Jess and Tammy were unwillingly pushed along by the horde and Jess was pretty close to falling right off the train. Thankfully, Jess managed to steady herself and move out of the way before the gaggle of girls stampeded each other to get onto the platform.

"All right! All right, first years, that's enough!" came a booming voice from the other end of the platform. A hush came over the crowd as none other than Hagrid stepped into view.

"Welcome first years to the Official Fanfiction University of Hogwarts! As some of you may know, I'm Rubeus Ha—"

"HAGRID!" a girl screeched. She pummeled through the crowd and latched herself onto poor Hagrid's leg. He couldn't shake her off no matter how he tried.

"Great…"

"OHMYGOSHIT'SREALLYYOU! YOUARESOAWESOMECANIHAVEYOURAUTOGRAPH?!" the girl screamed, talking a mile a minute.

"Can somebody please detach this young lady from my leg?" Hagrid said, calmly. Clearly this was a regular occurrence.

"MYNAMEISSTEPHANIEANDILOVEYOU! MARRY ME!" the girl (apparently called Stephanie) screamed, before two very annoyed Prefects dislodged her and promptly shuffled her away.

"NOWAIT! WE'RESUPPOSEDTOGETMARRIEDANDLIVEHAPPILYEVERAFTER!" Stephanie screeched, while struggling against the iron grip of the Prefects. After a few minutes, Stephanie's screams died down and the crowd assumed that she'd been sedated…somehow.

"Right," Hagrid said, composing himself and straightening up, "Apologies for that. That happens at least once a year. Anyways, as I was saying, I am Rubeus Hagrid, the Keeper of Key and Grounds at Hogwarts. I am here to escort you to the orientation center, where you'll be receiving your class schedules, instructions, and of course, the rules. Follow me!"

The crowd obliged, chattering loudly about what to expect and placing bets on when they'd see their lust objects. Tammy nudged Jess in the ribs.

"So which bloke do you fancy?" she asked bluntly.

"Ronald Bilius Weasley," Jess replied dreamily, as she thought about how hot Rupert Grint looked with his shirt off.

"Hey! Well I'm after the Weasley twins myself. Maybe we can be in-laws?" Tammy asked. But Jess was too busy daydreaming of Rupert Grint to care.

As soon as they approached the Black Lake, there was a collective gasp as they laid eyes on the castle. There it was, Hogwarts. The place every Harry Potter fan in the entire world dreams of seeing. The castle glittered under the night sky, and its reflection shimmed in the Black Lake. No description sufficed, and Jess finally understood the meaning of the word _awesome_.

It beat Harry Potter World by a long shot.

The students climbed into the boats that lined the edge of the lake, and they began to move across the lake automatically. At the other end of the lake, a woman stood waiting with her hands on her hips and a very irritated expression on her face.

"_Here we go again,_" the woman thought.

"Welcome to the OFUH," she said as the students clambered over the boats and onto the shore, "I am Miss Butterfly, the deputy director of the university and punishment coordinator."

"Punishment coordinator? What the hell?" one of the students said, apparently thinking she was being quiet. An evil grin appeared on Miss Butterfly's face.

"You will all find out too soon what it is I do. Let's just say that if you disobey the university rules, you'll have to answer to me, and trust me, you will not like it."

Jess shivered. Miss Butterfly was one crazy woman.

"Anyway, I've been instructed to escort you all to the Great Hall where you will begin your orientation. I all suggest you pay attention to the orientation, because it contains a lot of important information that _will not _be repeated. Let's go."

The students walked into the Great Hall and were greeted by several long rows of chairs. The House tables were gone, and the floating candles were missing. In the front of the Great Hall was the table where all the professors sat. The entire staff seemed to be there, along with everyone's favorite characters. Except, the hall didn't feel warm and inviting. Instead, it felt cold and scary. Jess began to feel uneasy. What if this wasn't the Hogwarts she'd always dreamed about? What if this was some kind of nightmare?

Well, her fears were put to rest the moment Harry Potter stumbled into the Great Hall from one of the side doors.

"Sorry I'm late," he called, "I ran into—" The massive crowd that was piling into the Hall suddenly stopped and stared at Harry, a great majority of them looked at him with lust and hunger. Harry's eyes grew wide as he realized that he was screwed….again.

"Fuck."

All hell broke loose.

* * *

**A/N: Okay, I know. Not one of my best. This chapter was kind of hard to write since I've been on such a long hiatus. I promise the next few will be better. Thanks to all of you for reviewing and for not giving up on me! I can't begin to tell you what you're support means to me!**


End file.
